Mother's Day today.. Yet i didn't wish my mother Happy Mother's Day.. all because my mind was occupied with only one thing--Sanctuary.. Yup.. i was going to the sanctuary today, and i know she will be there.. was SUPER HAPPY!! Reached there and was greeted by "her" smile.. Words cant explain how i felt at that time.. well, we studied and chatted with each other and then zi came.. things were not so bad initially.. we were just shooting each other like it was free for all.. of course, i didn't shoot "her".. =x But now, this is where things took a turning point.. Where it left a bleeding hole in my heart.. Cos i heard "her" say: " You and zi should really be together... " Sigh~ It hurts alot to hear the person you love putting you and someone else together.. my heart was bleeding so badly.. i really wonder how much more my heart can take.. i had to just lie my head down and stop thinking so much.. though i know it was just a casual remark, but i was afraid.. what if.. she meant it for real?? i really dont want that to happen.. really =( As i laid there, i could feel it.. my heart was bleeding and my mind went blank.. yet i could do nothing.. Decided to write a poem.. So i wrote it down but it didn't help.. in case u are wondering, the new poem was the one which i wrote.. as i wrote it, the more hurt i felt.. i didn't expect how a simple sentence could nearly bring tears to my eyes.. maybe its because, i could not bear the thought of losing "her".. Felt very sad at that moment.. until i could not take it anymore.. the longer i was with "her", the longer the pain will drag and the more my heart will bleed.. Sitting next to her yet knowing nothing will happen between us.. sigh~ i really dont know how to explain this feeling.. and so, i told her i had to go.. and i left the sanctuary................... unwillingly.. Have i really fallen so deeply in love with "her"?? Perhaps i really have.. until the point where there is no turning back.. the persistence of my heart just wont stop.. forgive me.. i really have tried very hard.. really.. i have tried so hard to forget you.. to erase you from my memory.. to start afresh.. yet i just seem to fail and my love for you grows stronger.. it's so different.. really.. when i'm with "her", i feel like i could do anything.. i feel so motivated.. i feel so special.. My heart is just like ice.. it melts when i'm with her but it breaks easily..People keep shooting me and zi about being together.. when they do so, i dont feel anything at all.. yet when people shoot me with "her", i feel a small sense of happiness.. Wanted to have dinner with her today but she didn't want to go.. was kinda sad and disappointed but i kinda expected the outcome anyway =/ there are times when i think to myself, since i expect the outcome, why do i still bother asking? well.. all i can say is, im glad i tried.. i really dont want to regret anymore for "her'.. do what i can do for "her" now for i will never know when we may part.. i want the things i do for her to remain in my memory always.. thats why i keep trying.. picking myself up everytime i fall.. because at the end of the day, when everything fails and we go our separate ways, i can say.... "im glad i tried".. Thinking of her so badly now.. =x thoughts about her just keep flowing into my mind.. I'm hoping for a day when i can look at her in the eye and tell her how much i love her.. when i can be the one that brings her up when she is down.. when my friends gossip about me, and wonder who is she, and that i can point to her and say, "its her".... But will such a day come? i will never know.. but its not wrong to have dreams and wishes right?.. Went home and took a shower.. then i went to msn and chatting with "her" Sigh~ She really brings up the miracles of my life.. just talking to "her" for 5-10mins and i felt so much better.. the wound healed and my heart stopped bleeding.. anyway, i'm really sorry about today.. i didn't mean to just leave the sanctuary just like that.. but it's just that it really hurt so much i did not want anyone to see me suffer.. i'm not angry with you.. really.. and please, dont feel guilty.. in fact, u should be angry with me.. for i have only myself to blame for the state i am in.. blame my heart for it chooses not to give up.. blame my mind for it chooses to carry on thinking about you.. blame my soul for it believes it has found its soulmate.. i am glad you still treat me as a friend.. most people will probably avoid such situations yet you choose to stay by my side as a friend.. thank you.. But i'm really sorry about how i feel towards you.. i just.... cant help it.. i really have fallen to deep to climb back up.. just hope you wont avoid me =/ Went out with Wei Rong, Zi, Yi Wei and xf yesterday to airport to study yesterday.. wanted to study with "her" but she could not make it..so yeah, i went to the airport.. instead of wearing the half-heart necklace, i wore a different one today.. The one which i wore today as well.. in case you are wondering why i suddenly changed, its because it was those moments when i didn't feel any heartache.. i made plans to go to the sanctuary today and was so happy.. decided to put the half-heart necklace away and wear something else.. Anyway, we studied and played 14 rounds of bridge before going to singapore expo to eat dinner.. During dinner, there was a massive shooting war so yeah.. it was kinda fun actually.. just shooting each other and everyone laughing happily.. After dinner, zi decided to take bus which left me, wei rong and xf.. yi wei didn't join us for dinner.. it was then when wei rong started talking to me seriously.. cos during dinner, we were just shooting each other so it was just jokingly talking.. but after dinner, wei rong said this.. " You and zi will become a couple one day.. really will de.. whats wrong with zi? nothing wrong with her ma.. i can predict that in one years time down the road, i will see you and zi holding hands and going out together.. Then furthermore when you blog, think about today.. so happy right? do you want to be the emo guy that blogs about sad stuff or talk about the happiness which u felt today? think about what i said.. If you and zi get together one day, you owe me a treat to Fullerton Hotel" Sigh~ Thanks alot wei rong.. i know you just want me to be happy as a friend but some things really cannot be changed.. the happiness i felt with zi is a different happiness i feel when im with "her".. when im with zi, i just feel happy cos i know that i have such a wonderful friend beside me.. but when im with "her", the happiness is so differnt.. it makes my heart beat fast.. it makes me speechless.. it makes me just.......... immortal.. its really difficult to explain how i feel, but anyway, remember what both you and i said too.. because in one year's time, the girl you see me going out with will not be zi.. the girl whos hand im holding will not be zi.. it might be someone else... it might be...... "her".. =x and when that time comes, dont forget YOUR treat to Fullerton Hotel.. i'll make the reservations, u just need to make the payment =) After dinner, i went home and immediately called "her".. didn't expect to end that late and my hp had no more batt.. so calling her and knowing she was fine made me feel so much better =D But guess what?!?! Her hp had no batt too and cut our convosation.. so i called her home.. =p maybe its fate that both our hp had no batt on the same day.. haha..maybe i think too much ba =x but it was so difficult to sleep last night.. was thinking about going to the sanctuary today.. then, i received "her" sms at around 12.30!! sooo delighted.. =D at least i managed to wish her good night ^^ yipeeee.... Feeling so much better now.. After blogging and after the chat on msn which i just had with her.. How can i ever forget her? How can i forget such happiness?.. I just hope that i wont be hurt anymore for today.... for i dont know how much more my fragile heart will be able to take..........
PS1: When i close my eyes, takes me back to the start, where it all seem so fine, but now we are drifting apart.. When i close my eyes, takes me back to the start, where it all seem so right, how come you're still in my heart?...
PS2: To this Pea..What i need is not fr3edom.. But it's just that im very confused recently.. confused between love and happiness.. the struggle for one cancels out the other.. i'm just trying to piece both of them together.. hope you understand... =x
PS3: And when the time comes, zi gets her treat and i get yours =)
Emo
D3@ThM@5T3R
